“You’re
not here.” Markus whispered the words through cracked blood stained lips. His
words were loud in the otherwise silent room. And despite their softness they
echoed as if spoken through a megaphone. Each syllable bounced off of the walls
of the worn wood of what was once a family home, but now stood as a mausoleum
collecting dust and decay as time passed it by. The smell of ammonia from the
rats and other animals who had made the frayed carpet and shattered roof and
walls its home over the years was strong. But he couldn’t smell it. Or, at the
very least, notice it as he sat with his back pressed against the foyer, his
clothing stained and grimy from the years of life living under highways and
secluded paths lest he get noticed by the cops. Rips and tears attacked the
fabric in a way that made his disheveled appearance even worse than it already
was. And as he looked through greasy bangs that fell away from his slicked back
golden brown hair, he stared down a figure that didn’t exist. One that had been
gone for as long as he could remember. “You’re dead. So stop fucking with me
already.”
“Do
I look dead to you?” The figure spoke, its words like a haunting melody as the
rough rasp of their voice filled up the house loudly like a thundering boom. A
sonic wave that refused to be ignored. Standing tall in front of him, the man
looked clean and well shaven with a days’ worth of stubble covering his chin.
Blue jeans that were baggy from being passed down one too many times through
the family tree were held securely at his waist with a long belt, the end of it
wrapping around him twice despite his stocky frame. And warm brown hair that
was shaggy in that way that most teens had in the early 2000’s hung in his
chocolate eyes that stared at Markus with an expression that he hadn’t seen in
a long time.
Not
since...
A
bitter laugh fell from his throat. Memories of a time long passed flooding to
the forefront of his mind as he stared
at the man from his youth and wished not for the first time that he had died
that day alongside him. He could still remember the beating. Could remember the
taste of iron in his mouth as the fists of his father connected with him over
and over again as David had tried to pull him off of him. Only for the man to
whip out the mini revolver that he had always kept in his boot and shoot his lover
in the chest, emptying the entire barrel into him before turning to him – his
own son – and doing the same. Just for him to have run out of bullets.
That
didn’t matter though.
The
fucker simply used it to beat him near to death for being a ‘faggot’ instead.
It was only a miracle, or some cruel twist of fate really, that he had
survived. And whether it was for the so called ‘sin’ for him being attracted to
another boy or the God that his father worshipped choosing to punish him
further for simply being alive. Markus wasn’t too sure. What he did know though,
was that ever since... he wished that he had been the one to stop breathing
instead. Or to have at least gone with him. “You’re not here.” He repeated. But
even as he said the words he feared that they weren’t true. Knew they weren’t
in fact. Especially as he brough his hand up to his mouth as he coughed up a
lung and his palm came back scarlet.
That’s
right... he forgot... he was dying. Finally, after all this time, he was dying.
A bitter laugh fell from his throat at the thought. His one wish seeming to
come true but in the worse way possible. Who would have thought, after all this
time, the moment that he stepped foot into the place that had been the end to
his beginning before it could ever truly start, was where he would end up
going. It wasn’t even like he had truly planned to get this far when he had
stopped by. Something inside of him that day had just... snapped. He needed to
see the place where David had died one last time. Needed to see it and possibly
burn the place to the ground. Had even gone as far as to get the gasoline for
it. But in an ironic sense of fate, it turns out he wasn’t the only unhoused
person to fid the place. The whole neighborhood was abandoned due to the lack
of youth a long time ago. And now here he was. Shot in his childhood living
room. Bleeding out. Much like the only person he had ever truly cared about had
that day. “There’s still time for you.” David looked at him with an expression
that was unfamiliar yet familiar at the same time. One that he supposes that he
had probably made during the times that he had been disappointed in something
but had never actually shown him till that day. It was all a figment of his
imagination anyway. So it didn’t matter where the look came from. Soon... he
wouldn’t be seeing anything... and he could just... go...
“I’m
ready darlin’.” His drawl that had only gotten worse over the years intensified
as he stood at the haunting figure and thought back to happier times. “I’ve
been ready for a long time now.” A memory of a time when he had said something
similar flashed before his mind and he closed his eyes. It had been during
their first time. After the homecoming game beneath the bleachers. Both of them
had still been in their football jerseys as they had sneaked off to a remote
location that they knew would be private and he had uttered something quite
similar as the taller teen took his breath away with a kiss. It had been messy.
Clumsy. Not romantic in the slightest by any definition of the word. But it had
been something that he had held only all of these years that he had been forced
to live without him. “D’you remember the last time I said that to you?” He
asked the specter and David crouched down in front of him on his knees.
The
spirit reached forward as if to brush away the strands of his hair out from his
eyes like he had when they were younger but he stopped before they could touch.
“Yeah,” a slight hint of red was on his sun kissed cheeks as he replied and
despite the pain he was in, Markus couldn’t help but feel proud of it. Even if
David was nothing more than a figment of his imagination. He would take what he
could get. And would cherish the fact that even now, in the end, he still had
some type of effect on him. “I do.” The frown never left his face as he spoke
and Markus truly couldn’t understand why. Why was he upset that he was dying?
This was a happy day. “You look so different from what I remember.” His lips
pulled into a thin line. “So old.”
A
chuckle fell out from his lips before he could stop it and blood began to drip
along Markus’s chin from the action. “That will happen when you have no choice
but to grow up.” Admittedly, he knew that he looked like a mess. That he hadn’t
aged as gracefully as he should have. But before everything went to shit he had
been at the top of his prime. He had abbs. A boyish cheeky grin with all of his
teeth. Fluffy clean hair that had always been way to puffy for him to handle
but somehow managed to tame into something somewhat decent before school every
morning. And now look at him. He had fallen apart. Scars from his years living
on the streets as well as fights littered his body. Track marks went up and
down both of his arms. Teeth that had either rotted out or had been punched out
were missing in various places throughout his mouth. And he couldn’t even
remember the last time that he had had a shower. Not to mention the gaping
bullet sized hole now going through him as he bled out everywhere staining not
only him but his clothes and everything else cursed to be next to him at the
moment.
“I’m
sorry.” David whispered the words as if he was uttering a prayer. “I’m so
sorry.”
“Hey,”
He coughed, “None of that. This was always gonna happen. Whether it was from
the fucker who did it or my own two hands. I was always going to go. There was
no way that I was going to make it. Not with how things have turned out.”
Something
akin to anger flashed through the specters eyes at this. “You should have moved
on! You should have taken that scholarship and continued school! Played ball in
college like we always said we would! You should have found someone else! I
wasn’t worth wasting your life over!”
“You
were my everything!” He shouted back, and despite knowing that he was shouting
at nothing, that none of this was real, he couldn’t stop even if he tried.
“When you died none of it mattered anymore! I was alone! Mom was already dead!
My dad in prison! I was nothing more than the town reject who liked taking a
dick up the ass! Do you know what they did to me at school!? Do you know how I
was treated at work!? How I was treated simply walking down the street!? I was
raped David! Repeatedly! I had my ass kicked every day by our team whether it
was other students throwing books at me or our own team roughing me up after
practice! People who I thought was once my friend, who were our friends,
threatened to finish the job that my dad did! I had no choice but to drop
out...” His voice trailed off into tears as he spoke and slowly, like the
mirage that David’s figure had always been, he started to become transparent
and fade. “Family abandoned me...” The tears came heavier now and the blood
from before became a steady stream as he struggled to breathe. “I had no one.
It’s why I turned to the drugs. Why I did everything that I had to do. It was
simply easier that way. And then...”
Voice
trailing off the pain from the bullet started to fade and he could feel his
body shaking as his skin became freezing to the touch. David’s figure was
there, but barely, and he looked at him with sad eyes as he continued to listen
to his tirade. Probably like he had the many other times before that Markus had
prayed to him silently like one would an imaginary friend or a God. How often
had he knelt at what felt like an altar and spoke on his knees to a person that
was no longer there? How many times was he used for his body to get his next
fix or simply a roof over his head for the night had he whispered and pleaded
to him just to feel sane?
It
had been too many times to count.
And
now...
Even
in the end...
It
was David who’s name that he called...
“I
just wanted to be with you again.” As the words came out he felt like a small
child again pleading at his mother’s grave. Begging for her to wake back up
despite the fact that she never came back. She had died at the hands of his
father just like David. Only he had never been caught when it came to her. That
was something that his father had gotten away with. And it was something that
everyone knew about but never cared enough to do a damn thing about. Everyone
was always talking about how all you needed to do was simply reach out when you
needed help. To stretch out your hand and ask the christian God for deliverance
and salvation. That the church would help you in your time of need. But what
did the church give him? A dead mother and a dead boyfriend all before the age
of eighteen. And a pastor father that was filled with nothing but hate and
vengeance despite everything that he preached. It didn’t matter how many times
he had gone up to the pulpit and made ‘sinners’ pure again. It didn’t matter
how he told everyone to love God and their children and their wives. Not when
he would come home and beat them both. Not when he would sneak into his room at
night and touch him as he slept. Not when he kept a stash of content on his
computer that landed him more time in jail than the literal murder of a gay
teenage boy due to a ‘gay panic’ defense that should have been laughed out of
court.
But
what did Markus expect? He was in a small town in Texas. Deep in the south and
on the bible belt.
His
life, like many others, meant nothing to them.
And
if there was a hell, and that’s where he was currently headed. Then he hoped to
see them there. “You’re not going there.” David reached forward but refrained
like he had before. “That was never an option for where you’re meant to go.” He
paused, seeming to think over his words carefully. “There’s still time. You can
still be helped. Someone’s on their way right now. You just gotta hold on.
Gotta stay alive. For me.”
“Why
would I choose to live when your not here to be with me?” He genuinely didn’t
see a reason to keep on going. Not with
how his life was going. He was addict. An alcoholic. No job would ever take
him. And no therapist would ever be able to cure him. He had no friends. No family.
No money. And was truly and utterly alone. He didn’t even have a pet as a
companion. There was no point in him fighting for life. No point in him living.
Wasting space that could be held for someone else. Someone more deserving.
Someone like David possibly...
“Don’t
think like that.” David argued, his voice desperate. “You deserve to live. To
truly live. To see the world and do everything that I never got to do. You are
not lesser than me just because you lived and I didn’t. You’ve made mistakes
but damnit Markus you’re barely twenty-seven years old. You’ve barely begun.
Life is worth living. Even if its to prove everyone wrong.”
He
laughed. “The government is still trying to take our rights away. Even after
they’ve given us a taste of freedom. I’m harassed everywhere I go no matter if
people know that I’m gay or not. I’ve got a wrap sheet and I’ve done small
stints of time. I have no reason to live and see no benefit to continuing
forward. Why do you care so much? It’s good if I die! It simply means we can be
together again. Don’t you want that?” He reached out towards the specter and
David pulled away before his icy fingertips could make contact.
Shaking
his head, he stood up and backed away. “Not like this. Never like this. I never
had a choice. It was taken from me before I could even decide. You though, you
still have a chance to live...” His image started to fade more and more. And as
his words rung in Markus’s ears the sound of heavy footfalls reached him
followed by the sound of loud voices yelling one after the other as they barked
orders. His vision was blurry. He could barely see a thing. The remaining of
his vision focusing on the silvery image of David watching him from the corner
of the room where he had died. His bloodstain still visible on the walls even
after all this time. “You’re going to be alright now. No matter what, fight for
me. Live for me. Do what I never got to do. Find someone else to love and move
out of this hellhole of a state and move forward. I never can. I’m stuck here.
And always will be until you move on. So let me be free. Let me go. And live.”
And with that, David disappeared. His figure turning slowly into dust as all
that was left was the stained wall, the voices of multiple paramedics in his
ears, and a sense of urgency running through his veins as he tried to stand up
to follow his long lost love despite him not wanting him to come with.
He
was done fighting. Markus no longer had the will to keep going inside of him.
He was a husk of a person. No longer even close to his former self let alone
the person that David had fallen for all those years ago. Hadn’t been in a long
time in fact. But maybe, just maybe, this one last time... he could try. Even
though he didn’t want to, for David... he could at least give him that.
The
next time that Markus saw the specter he greeted him not with blood pulsing
from his mouth and a bullet wound in his stomach. But with a wrinkled grin and
a twinkling in his eyes that spoke of mirth, a long fight, and hardships that
only a few people could imagine. On his withered finger was a wedding band, the
gold sparkling even in the rain as his funeral took place just behind them, his
adopted children and late spouse saying their last respects as they cried. But
he didn’t shed a tear. No, he simply looked at his first love and smiled. “I
lived Darlin’. I’m ready now. Been ready in fact.”
“That
you did. Ready to go where we’re going?”
“Lead
the way.”
